So many of us take for granted our health. I include myself in this one!
I can remember a time when I could wake up and not be in pain as if I had just ran a marathon. I remember feeling excited every day for what my day may hold. I can remember my thoughts being clear and NOT forgetting what i’m talking about halfway into my sentence. A time when I didn’t need that coffee and had energy naturally flowing through my veins. (What a miracle that was!) When maintaining weight wasn’t something I had to consciously even think of. When I could look in the mirror and not see a puffy face and hair falling out. Life was easier and I took it for granted. I am writing this right now not to feel sorry for myself, but to offer a moment to whoever is reading this… a moment to feel blessed to have their health, or perhaps you are like me and struggling with a chronic illness or any other disease that has weakened you in some way to please, not feel alone. I too, know what it’s like to struggle against your body every day. The fatigue, pain, depression, that no one else see’s because it’s not something you can see with your eyes. I get it. But! I am also here to tell you that you are NOT this disease. You are that which is behind it. You are the power that moves your body and although it may feel like a war some days. (More often than not) You are this power.
I am on my own journey to try and provide my body with whatever it needs to sustain itself. I have been on a roller coaster of sorts to figure out why my body obtained this disease and if there is anything in my power that I can do to help it on it’s way to “health” I understand that I may never feel as I did before this but I will do anything in my power to not give up. You see, I have a beautiful little boy in my life who needs me to be healthy. He needs me to be able to run with him, teach him, encourage him every day. It was actually when I was pregnant that I first got diagnosed. I can barely remember my first trimester, when I slept literally all day because I had no energy to get out of my bed. At the time my husband and I had just got married and it killed me that I had not even had the energy to be with him. All day I was sleeping. He would be up and alone because I couldn’t stay awake. And this is how it starts… You get this disease and because you are so tired, or in pain you either sleep all day, or you isolate yourself just to try and cope with what pain you are feeling. (This goes for physical and mental pain) as you are isolating yourself, (whether consciously aware you are doing so or not) you start to realize what you are doing, or maybe others point it out – some out of concern and some out of judgement… then the self hate begins. You feel guilty and like a horrible person… you question yourself as to why you are like this. “Why do I not want to be with people?” for example. A single question like this is enough to spiral out into depression. The self talk we do within our minds is everything… every thought that comes into your mind and presents itself can either uplift or depress. We must always be aware of our thoughts. They can either be our greatest friend or formidable enemy. But again, I say.. we are this power. We have the power to say I accept this message or I reject. Whether this comes from our own thoughts or even others perceptions. This is what it truly is anyway. A perception.
We create our life. No, we may not be able to control whether we have an illness or not, but we have the control over what we are doing with it! I refuse to accept that we are powerless to anything. Diseases included. We always have a choice of what we are doing with it. Often times, many of us just wish for someone to try and understand us. Understand that this disease is not just an excuse, because I didn’t want to go that party. Some days, it really is much harder than others, and as I said we have that choice to go or not to go to that party. People should not be made to feel guilty for being aware of what they can and cannot handle. Some days you NEED that break…that day of rest. But just know, that there will be days where you feel a little better to go. As with all things, there is light and darkness. It can never be dark for too long before the rays of light begin to show up..the same is vise versa. We must always know that life is of ups and downs but we have the choice on how we interpret it. This is why I have named my blog “Motion and Rest” it is after a verse in The Gospel of Thomas, Yeshua says;
“If they say to you, “where are you from?” say to them, “It is from Light that we have come – from the place where light, of it’s own accord alone, came into existence and stood and rest. And it has been shown forth in their image.” If they say to you, “Is it you?” Say ‘We are its offspring, and we are chosen of the living Father’ If they ask you ‘What is the sign of your Father within you?’ say to them, ‘It is Motion and Rest.’
To me, (this is my own interpretation) this verse is everything! It is the awareness that all things are of motion and rest. There is a time for movement and action, and there is a time of rest, and reflection. It is everywhere. Look around you and nature reflects it. I believe our souls are of light in the beginning and we have the choice of what we do every moment. Are we of have motion or rest today? And do not look down on yourself for whatever it is you choose to do..for it is needed. You will have days of motion and days of rest. Who are others to judge you? More importantly who are you to judge yourself so harshly. Every moment, do the best you can with what you have. Love, live, and try to bring that to others as much as you can every day and if you cant some days, it is okay. There will be days where you can! So this post goes out to really anyone, who struggles..mentally, physically, emotionally. Take it easy on yourself. I am sure you are doing fine with what you have.
I know I babbled on a bit and got off subject, maybe I went a bit too “deep” (I will do this a lot) but again, this is just my interpretation and how I choose to look at life. My body may have a disease, but my soul is not diseased. My spirit is healthy and alive and animates this body. Every day I will do the best with what I have. I will continue to love and not judge myself so harshly the days that i struggle to love, -even myself.